Quit Playing Games With My Heart

I thought I should probably explain my eHarmony strategy. You see, I don't want you all to be thinking that I am leading on these poor, lonely pastors and computer programers. So here's how it works.

• I close almost all of the matches immediately. Usually for reasons that we have discussed before.

• I leave others open for the time being. If the match is closed, they cannot contact me. So anyone who isn't a complete weirdo I will leave open for a while, to give them a chance. That's why I have the 48 open ones now. I need to go back and sort through those though. I'm thinking that at least 40 of them have missed their chance.

For the ones that I leave open, if they send me questions, I usually answer. But, here's the point that I want to make clear:

I don't lead on any of these eHarmony guys.

As we have seen, many of these guys are.... how should I say it.... odd. So, to play with their poor little fragile hearts would be cruel and unusual punishment.

So, I only actually talk to the ones that I would actually, potentially be interested in, in real life. Now, as we have covered many times, I am not using eHarmony to desperately search for a husband. But, I have always said that I would be happy with a relationship whenever God wants to bless me with that, through whatever avenue He wants to use. So, as I am on eHarmony, I close matches or leave them open based on my real life preferences. Even if I'm not actively looking for a relationship, I refuse to lead on anyone that I wouldn't potentially be interested in.

Moral of the story: I'm not a jerk.

To quote the wise words of the Backstreet Boys:

"Oh Baby baby, the love that we had was so strong,

Don't leave me hanging here forever,

oh baby baby, this is not right, lets stop this tonight,

Quit playing games with my heart

(Quit playing games with my heart)

With my heart

(Before you tear us apart)

My heart

(Quit playing games with my heart)"

Oh Backstreet Boys. How I love you. I wonder if any of them are on eHarmony? I sure hope they didn't try to cover up their identity by listing themselves as accountants.....

"We both know that I've been training to be a cage fighter"

Yes, they keep coming. You know what I'm talking about.

The creepers.

And now, they're not just online. Last week I had a group of high school boys yelling at me as I drove past. Seriously? They were standing there holla-ing at me, "Heyyyyyyy Babbbbbbyyyyyy!!!" And then, of course, they started cussing me out as I continued driving. Seriously? Message to all high schoolers: Don't call me baby. I'm at least 5 to 8 years older than you. Thank you.

Now, back to eHarmony.

I got matched with some guy a while ago, who contacted me with some questions. He didn't appear to be an accountant, so I decided to keep the match open and answer the questions. He listed his occupation as "I work for the gov't," which doesn't really narrow it down. My favorite part of his profile:

"My dream is to get into the UFC cage at least once in my life."

Who are you, Kip Dynamite?

Apparently he thinks that the only thing I have to do is check eHarmony and email aspiring cage fighters. So when I didn't respond right away, he started "nudging" me. Don't worry, it's not inappropriate. I would have filed for a restraining order if it was. Basically, it's a notification that eHarmony sent, at his request, asking me to please please please answer his questions. It said that he was "very interested in this match." Fine, whatever. Come to find out he's an FBI agent, which is pretty cool, so I answered his questions. And then..... nothing. He still hasn't responded. Oh I'm sorry, I thought you said that you were "very interested"??? Hm, apparently not.

I'm sure there are good guys out there.... Somewhere. I'm still not quite sure where. So far, I have met 1 nice, legit guy on eHarmony. And I even thought he was a sleaze at one point. Maybe I'm too harsh, but seriously? Seriously? Who are these people?

Here's some more from Kelly:

• Occupation: "Me I wont to travel." And he's from.... drum roll please.... Kentucky!
• Occupation: "Collage student." According to Kelly, "I didn't know you could get a degree for collage making!"

And people wonder why we're still single.

Here are the current numbers:

Closed matches: 256

Open matches: 55

Total matches: 311

Update:

Ok, so It's only fair that I update you all on "Wyatt." As I said before, there were 2 options:

1. He decided to renew his subscription, but had to create a whole new profile for some reason.
2. He is a complete sleaze.

Well, he emailed me again. And, turns out, it seems that it was option one.

So, come up with your own opinions of him, but I thought I should give you the update. But before you decide to continue hating him, remember: he is a Cop and a Marine. Pretty much 2 of the most awesome things ever.

Here is what he had to say:

"My eHarmony subscription ended so I decided to take a break from dating. I was tired and needed some time to enjoy my singleness. During that time, I was busy with various classes. My life has settled down once more and I decided to sign up again for fun."

He then apologized, saying that he was sorry if I was upset by that.

Ok, so maybe he wasn't such a sleaze.

I'm So Much Cooler Online

Lets just say that many of the guys on eHarmony are… strange.

As I mentioned before, 2 of my friends also started eHarmony accounts. Kelly and Dana both agreed with me that there was no way that we would ever pay for eHarmony. Now we have already discussed how that ended for me (It wasn't worth my time without the pictures!!!). When I told Kelly that I had paid for a subscription, I'm pretty sure that she thought I was crazy. Fast forward a few days.... and she bought the subscription too. Good choice Kelly.

As for Dana, she's still holding out. And missing out.

So here are some excerpts from the profiles of the guys we have been matched with. I'm sure there will be many more, and I will be sure to add those as we get them. And so, here we go.

I apologize if you are/know one of these guys that we are quoting. If so... please get them help.

Jenn's Matches:

• From a pilot. In his "what you are looking for in a partner" section: “also one important quality that is important to me, and it's weird, is my mates genetics. i really want to pass on blue eyes to my kids so i need a girl with blue eyes if at all possible. and i love both brown hair and blond, so the type of hair and color isn't all that important. but also genetic body type is a point of interest to me... don't worry i'm not weird, i try my best to be an average, normal male.” (First of all, he doesn't capitalize anything. Which is super annoying. Secondly... he apparently is looking for an incubator for his blue-eyed children, and nothing more. And he has to "try" his best to be a normal male??? Well, he's not doing a very good job. Match closed.)

• “I often feel awkward around people.” (I think this speaks for itself. We now know why you are on eHarmony.)

• “Profession: Accounting” (ok, so this is not so much a statement about themselves. But it still causes me to close the match immediately. So boring!)

Kelly's Matches: (I have added some of my own comments in parentheses after)

• "My number one passion is politics." (I also have read this wayyyyyy to many times. Seriously??? It's your number one passion???)
• "I sometimes can't tell when people are joking."
• Occupation: "I'm not working right now." (I have also gotten "unemployed," "nothing," and my personal favorite, "I sit around.")
• Something that only your best friend knows: "That I'm on eHarmony." (almost every other guy writes this. Soooooo uncreative!)
• And from the guy who lists sex as one of the things he can't live without (um, this is a dating website, designed to find someone that you are compatible with for various reasons, NOT to find your next booty call.) 1) Three things you are most thankful for: "I am most thankful that the good Lord put women on this earth." 2) The first thing people notice about you: "My openness and my great body odor." (You've got to be kidding me. That's just disgusting!)
• “…I love the outdoors, and would prefer a someone who could be my wingman on the trail, a woman who wouldn’t only be the love of my life, but my best friend. Someone strong, and upright who could be my counsel yet still comfortable with me cherishing her as a “ewe lamb.” (A “EWE LAMB” ???? What the heck. Never date this guy.)

And finally, if this is your profile picture, You have serious issues:

If you know this person (or are this person...) I apologize. Maybe this is attractive to some ladies. But if the best picture you can find to post on your profile is a cell phone pic you took in the mirror, of you showing off your grills... that says something about you. And honestly, I'm still not completely sure what it is.

One from Dana's match:

• “I’m fascinated with lights (I guess I ‘collect’ flashlights…weird, I know…and would love to go to Vegas just to see all the lights!)”

So, there you go. As I said, there are many more. It definitely shows why these people are on eHarmony. And I have a feeling that they won't have much success there either.

No I Don't Want No Scrubs

I had been on eHarmony for about a week, and so far the results were less than spectacular. 50 computer nerds later, there had been a limited number of glimmers of hope within the group. Now, I will remind you once again that this was nothing more than a social experiment. But I was still holding out hope that there were at least a few normal guys on eHarmony. So I was surprised when I checked my new matches (on my birthday, actually) and found that I had been matched with a seemingly normal, cool guy. We'll call him.... Wyatt. Here are just a few things about him:

• Police Officer
• Marine, who had served in Iraq
• Solid Christian guy, who works with his church high school group
• Has his bachelor's degree
• 6'3" (I'll just go ahead and admit that I like tall guys. Gotta improve the gene pool!)
• Owns his own house (wait, so he doesn't live with his mom like all my other matches???)

So, lets just say that he fulfills a few of what I would consider "desirable criteria." I mean, seriously, a cop AND a marine in one!

So, he ended up contacting me with a few initial questions.

I suppose I should probably explain how eHarmony communication works. Each person, after answering the 5 million questions, then makes a profile page. On this page, you can put general info (age, profession, etc,), what you are passionate about, your interests, things you can't live without, what you are looking for in a partner, and other random info. You can also post pictures for your matches to see. Once you are matched with someone (based on the questions answered previously) they are able to see your profile. Only your matches can see your profile. After reviewing your matches, you have 3 options:

1. Do nothing. This will leave the match in your "new matches" category, and can be accessed later.
2. Close match. This will list the person under your "closed matches" section, and they are no longer able to contact you.
3. Begin communication. This has 4 phases. If the person receiving the communication is satisfied with what the other user has to say, they can continue to the next level of communication. Both users can also close the match at any time, therefore ending all communication as well. The phases are:

• Initial questions. You are able to select 5 prewritten questions, and send them to your match. They are then able to answer from multiple choice answers, or write in a short answer of their own if none of the others are appropriate.
• Must haves/can't stands: This is a list that each person creates. There are technically two lists. One with everything that you could never accept in a partner (I.e. Racism, lying, cheating, smoking, drug use, laziness, etc. Apparently some people are fine with these things???) and the other with everything that you require (I.e. education, values family, honest, wants children, spiritual, etc.).
• Second questions. Similar to the first, except that you are able to write them yourself. Also, there are no scripted answers. The person answering the questions is able to write a few paragraphs in response to the questions. There is room for 3 questions.
• eHarmony mail. This is basically email. It is all within the website, and does not give out any personal information. This can be used to email your match with whatever questions you may have, or just to get to know them in general. This is the final phase of communication, and it remains at this level indefinitely. The idea is that the people involved with either eventually close the match, or use this to exchange information (phone number, email, etc.) and continue communication outside of eHarmony.

So, as I was saying, Wyatt contacted me with a few initial questions. Now, the social experiment wouldn't be complete if I didn't communicate with my matches. So I answered his questions, and responded with my own. Pretty soon, we had gotten to the eHarmony mail phase.

Not only was he a marine and cop, but he also seemed to be a legitimately nice guy. We seemed to have a lot in common, and I began to think that maybe eHarmony does work! Being the nice girl that I am, I bluntly told him why I was on eHarmony, and that I wasn't interested in a relationship. I thought that maybe I had found a nice friend in a similar career field to my own. I enjoyed getting to know him. He seemed like a really nice guy. I'll remind you that he had sent me all of the questions. I didn't initiate anything.

And then... he just disappeared. So much for that! It seems that his subscription ran out, and he he didn't want to renew it. At least that's what he said, right before he vanished off the face of the eHarmony planet. But there was something interesting about this claim: his profile never disappeared. Now I'm not an expert, but I believe that if you stop paying your subscription, your profile gets closed down after a short period of time. So I found it interesting that his never went away.

And then, just today, something surprising happened. I checked my new matches, and found something... interesting. It seems that I had been matched with another Wyatt, of the same age, from the same town. Hmm...... fascinating. When I went to his profile, I found something even more interesting. It seems that this guy also had the same career, and the same pictures. I couldn't believe it. It was the SAME GUY, with a different profile.

I figure that there are 2 possible explanations for this:

1. He decided to renew his subscription, but had to create a whole new profile for some reason.
2. He is a complete sleaze.

I went back to his old profile, and it's still there. It still hasn't been cancelled. So I'm definitely leaning towards the second option. Opinions?

So the moral of the story is: even the seemingly nice guys are scrubs. And a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me.

Trends

I noticed that my matches seemed to follow certain trends.

1) As mentioned before, my first matches were all in the computer industry (IT, systems engineering, computer science, etc.). But then, the next group got a little more appealing.

2) Marines. Yes... Marines. Little known fact: I LOVE Marines. What is better than that uniform? Nothing. They're heroes. They, presumably, share my love for freedom and our country. They understand stress, adrenaline, danger. Maybe this whole eHarmony thing does work after all!

3) Medical Resident. Ok, there was only one. But because I'm in the medical field, I still think it's notable. PLUS, he was cute! And lived near me. Downside: He closed the match. Said he was "pursuing another relationship." Loser.

4) Pastors. Primarily youth pastors and camp ministry. Ok, so I guess we have a passion for God in common. As a Christian, my relationship with Jesus is the most important thing in my life. But... that's about all we had in common. I don't really see myself living in the middle of no where in Idaho (where most of them are from. No wonder they're on eHarmony) in a lonely cabin, staying at home, raising a small army of children, knitting, and sewing clothes for the kiddies. I need to live somewhere where I can at least get out a couple days a week to work a job of my own. Sorry lonely pastors.

5) Engineers. Nothing wrong with that. But, judging by their pictures, these engineers should be classified with the computer nerds. Pasty white (Hey, I'm very white too... but these guys have that glow-in-the-dark paleness, which I'm pretty sure is a tan from sitting in front of a computer screen for too long), scrawny, and usually list one of their interests as video games. Sorry, but you don't even compare to the Marines.

6) Teachers. Mostly high school and junior high teachers. Most of them were fairly good looking. And they're educated. Most of them have a lot of pictures in awesome places (Greece, England, etc) and list travel as one of their interests. I like traveling. Especially if someone else is paying. Downside: Teachers are poor. Dang it.

7) Students. Hey, I'm a student too, so that's fine with me. The problem is: NONE of them list what they are studying. Seriously? Ok, well it makes a big difference if you are going to medical school or getting your degree in computer science (as discussed above). I'm not hatin' on computer guys, I'm just saying. Please be upfront with what you are studying. If you really enjoy studying your intended career field, you should like it enough to mention it. There's nothing that annoys me more than people who hate their jobs (GET A NEW ONE) so I'm not going to listen to you complain about it forever.

8) Reservists. Mostly Army reserves. They come from a variety of fields, mostly engineering. But the pictures of them in their uniforms make them much more appealing than the other engineers. Plus, I love the military. They may not be Marines, but they are still heroes. And they make me proud to be an American.

9) Cops. Almost in the same category as Marines, at least in my heart. I love cops. I have my minor in Criminal Justice, have grown up in a law enforcement family. And, like Marines, they understand stress. All of the cops I was matched with seemed really nice. Especially one of them. More on him later.

10) Grad students. Most of them are getting degrees in counseling, something financial/business related, or going to seminary. I value education, and plan on getting my masters degree and maybe my PhD eventually. But why can't they be studying something more interesting? Seminary is ok, but business? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I think I would actually wither away and die if I had to sit at a desk all day. Plus, does that have anything in common with my job? Not at all. Polar opposites.

I find it intriguing that, every few days, my matches would change from one category to another. Some trends I enjoyed more than others. Marine week = best ever.

We've only just begun...

I had to wait overnight, but I finally received my first matches. Now, just as eHarmony advertises, you can review your matches for free. That is part of the reason that I decided to try it- there was no way I was going to pay money for that. I mean, that would definitely mean that I was one of those desperate girls, right? Anyway, I logged in excitedly to see who my new matches were. I had a few of them, although I expected more. If there are so many people in the system, why does it only give me 5 matches? I clicked on the profiles of these guys that I was supposedly compatible with in 29 dimensions, wondering what they would be like. And what did I find?

They were all computer nerds. All of them.

Ok, so I don't necessarily have anything against guys who work in the computer industry. But, for those of you who don't know, I have a very stressful job. I work as an EMT, and I deal with very difficult situations at times. I love the excitement and adrenaline rush of my job. So, how could I possibly be matched with several guys, that are all so different than me? If the most stressful part of your job is that a computer crashes (which they could probably repair in a matter of seconds) then I just don't see it working out.

That was disappointment number 1.

And for disappointment number 2: No pictures. That's right. No pictures at all. Well, that removes at least 70% of the fun. Now all I'm left with is what they write about themselves, and the fact that we are allegedly compatible in 29 dimensions. Apparently with the free version, they withhold all pictures. Tricky tactic, eHarmony. So, I did what any reasonable girl would do.

I bought a subscription.

But that doesn't make me one of those desperate girls. At least that's what I keep telling myself. I like to think of myself as a scientist, if you will. Sometimes, you must pay a price in order to get the data that you need to complete your research.

It's a good excuse, at least.